What Have I Done?
by Juniper Baggant
Summary: Snape reflects on Dumbledore's death. Angsty. Using the song written by Boublil and Schönberg for the musical, Les Miserables.


AN: Pretty much all stories written since HBP go with the, "Severus only killed Dumbledore because Dumbledore told him to" theory. This story explores the, "Snape is a jerk" theory.

* * *

Severus Snape ran through a dark forest. Dead leaves crunched under his feet and the dank smell of the forest invaded his nostrils. He eventually reached a small clearing and sank down onto a rotting log with a sigh.

_What have I done,_

_Sweet Jesus, what have I done?_

_Become a thief in the night!_

_Become a dog on the run!_

Severus gazed despondently at his surroundings. Is this what he'd been reduced to? Skulking in a forest to avoid being captured by his enemies? The other Death Eaters had tramped off happily after the- Incident. But not Severus Snape. No, those other fools may think that after Dumbledore's death the opposition would be too frightened to go after them, but Severus knew better. The Aurors and the Order would redouble their efforts and Dumbledore's death would serve as an inspirational martyrdom to their cause.

_And have I fallen so far _

_And is the hour so late_

_That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,_

_The cries in the dark that nobody hears _

_Here where I stand at the turning of the years?_

Severus had declined the offer to join the other Death Eaters for a victory drink after the last gathering. They were all surprised. After the events at Hogwarts Severus Snape was a hero. He had done the impossible, something even Voldemort hadn't been able to do, he had killed Dumbledore.

Severus gave a hollow chuckle, "As if it was a challenge. Dumbledore was at Death's door. All I had to do was ring the doorbell."

It had been almost too easy to kill Dumbledore. Severus had expected a fight, had _wanted_ a fight. Instead Dumbledore just lay there struggling for breath and looking at Severus with those _eyes_ that would haunt him forever. Those eyes filled with pity, _pity_, for his murderer. Eyes that knew everything, knew and understood and forgave. Eyes that made what should have been so easy so hard to do.

_If there's another way to go_

_I missed it twenty long years ago._

_My life was a war that could never be won_

After the life Severus had led it had been so easy to fall in with Voldemort. Voldemort promised him everything he'd been denied so far. Acceptance, purpose, power, respect, and most importantly, revenge against all who'd ever opposed him. Severus had adapted wonderfully to his new life. He loved the freedom and power his position gave him. And gradually he'd learned to drown out the screams of his victims as he sank deeper into the darkness.

When Voldemort gave him his new task, to infiltrate Hogwarts as a spy, he didn't think twice about it. He felt a certain dark satisfaction at going back to his place of torment in order to bring it down from the inside.

_Yet why did I allow that man_

_To touch my soul and teach me love?_

_He treated me like any other_

_He gave me his trust._

_He called me Brother._

His opinions changed when he arrived. He was shocked at the excitement Dumbledore showed when Severus came to teach. Dumbledore went out of his way to make Severus feel welcome. He invited him for chats and inquired after his research. They spoke together as equals, as friends.

He hadn't expected such respect to come from the Headmaster. His school day memories had never been favorable towards the aged wizard. Dumbledore had seemed so aloof and indifferent towards him. Had seemed so ignorant of his misery and loneliness. Perhaps Dumbledore was trying to make amends, or perhaps his own memories were false.

_My life he claims for God above._

_Can such things be?_

_For I had come to hate the world_

_This world that always hated me!_

As the months passed Severus found himself falling deeper into Dumbledore's peaceful ways. Dumbledore seemed able to sum up the worth of a man in one gaze. Severus would often meet Dumbledore's eyes, eyes that said, _"I know what you are and what you've done. I accept it and I accept you." _

Severus used to try and escape that gaze but as the months passed he found himself almost reveling in it. He gained a new appreciation for Dumbledore and began to question the foolish doctrine and methods employed by Voldemort. However, Severus' peaceful stay at Hogwarts eventually drew to a close as he was summoned to Voldemort's side for a report.

Severus was in agony as he went back to his master. He hated himself for what he knew he was about to do. His path was painfully clear. He had sworn an oath to Voldemort and tonight he would fulfill it. He knew only too well what would happen if he failed to deliver on his promises. So, Severus hardened his heart and soldiered on to the inevitable.

_Take an eye for an eye._

_Turn your heart into stone._

_This is all I have lived for._

_This is all I have known._

And Severus remained faithful to Voldemort until the night he fell. After that night the Ministry came down full force and gathered up every suspected Death Eater, including Severus. The evidence against Severus was insurmountable and the Ministry was fully prepared to give him a swift trial and lifetime imprisonment in Azkaban.

Severus sat glumly in his holding cell at the Ministry. He knew there was no way to avoid what was to come. He would not have minded death; it would have provided a sweet relief. Instead he was doomed to a lifetime of unending despair.

When Severus' cell door opened two Ministry guards entered and ordered him to follow. They led him through endless corridors and then upstairs. They brought him to a heavy wood door and led him inside. There waiting for him, with a benign smile on his face, was Dumbledore.

"Hello, Severus. I have spoken with the Minister and informed him of the valiant help you've given to our side. On my recommendation he has arranged for your release."

_One word from him and I'd be back_

_Beneath the lash, upon the rack._

_Instead he offered me my freedom._

_I feel my shame inside me like a knife._

_He told me that I had a soul._

_How does he know?_

_What spirit comes to move my life?_

_Is there another way to go?_

After that day Severus felt unlimited gratitude for Dumbledore. He served him faithfully and felt happier then he had in a long time. This peace lasted for 10 years until it was shattered by the appearance of one dratted boy.

When Harry Potter appeared all of Severus' old memories resurfaced. He remembered his hatred for Potter, Black, and Lupin. He remembered his anger and resentment towards Dumbledore's indifference to the pain they had caused him. And he felt new resentment grow as Dumbledore once again turned a blind eye towards the maliciousness of the younger Potter.

When Voldemort returned Severus was ready. He had known Voldemort was regaining power, and after four years of seeing Potter get away with murder, Severus was sick of Dumbledore. So, he returned to his former master and served him once again.

"Which brings us to the now," said Severus with a sigh. He wished he could push away his guilt over murdering Dumbledore. Push it away like the guilt he'd felt about every other murder he had committed. But he knew that would be impossible. You can't just walk away from killing the greatest wizard you'd ever known. Even though he had resented Dumbledore he knew that Dumbledore was probably the only true friend he had ever had. In Severus' heart he knew there was only one thing he could do to end the guilt.

_I am reaching but I fall,_

_And the night is closing in,_

_And I stare into the void-_

_To the whirlpool of my sin._

_I'll escape now from the world_

_From the world I've always known._

_I am nothing now._

_Another story must begin. _

Severus slowly withdrew his wand and held it to his temple.

"_Avada Kedavra!"_


End file.
